Loving my Samuel

I love the names we gave our son. 

I love the Italian origin of "Adrian, and the meaning that ties him to our love of the ocean...something that in itself is a testimony to the bigness of God with the crashing of the world of the sea against the world of the earth.  Honestly, if it wasn't so weird, I would have named Adrian "Ocean", but alas...that's a very weird name.

I really love the name "Samuel" because of what it means to us.  If you want to read our journey behind his middle name, you can read it here. I found the verse that says, 1 Samuel 1:27–28 "I prayed for this child, and the LORD has granted me what I asked of him. So now I give him to the LORD. For his whole life he will be given over to the LORD" and loved it.  We decided to give Adrian this as his middle name because his existence had proven the Lord's love for us time and time again. My fervent prayer when waiting for Adrian's arrival was that the Lord would help us lead our son to love Him and develop a relationship with Him.

This prayer was genuine, but I remember a moment during his first week of life that made me take what I was praying more seriously.  Adrian had been screaming for hours and nothing I was doing could calm him down (I later realized he was starving - I had been trying to put him on a schedule, something that ended up NOT being "easy, effective, and enjoyable" for our little family).  I was exhausted and very much in pain.  He was nursing about every three hours, but when he nursed, he tore the flesh from me so every feeding session was excruciatingly painful and I quickly began to dread it.  I remember cradling him against me and praying over and over again, "thank you Lord that I have this precious child to feed".  I meant it so much, knowing that even though this minute in my life was painful, I had been given the greatest gift on earth in that child.  I soon learned ways to better feed him that was better for both of us, and now feeding him is a very sweet, cuddly time for us :) 

The Lord has gently reminded me in the nearly three months that Adrian has been here that as much as I love my baby, Jesus loves him SO much more than me.  Morbidly, I'll admit, I've thought many times what I would do if God allowed a tragedy such as childhood cancer or sickness or something else that would force me to surrender him MUCH earlier than I would hope.  I know that my baby is no exception to the Lord's plan.  Although I pray the Lord would entrust Adrian's life to me for years and years and years, I know it is a good reminder to keep the "so now I give him to the Lord" part of the verse in the forefront of my mind.  Adrian is a gift.  I do not deserve to be a mother, or be entrusted with the precious gift of joy that has blessed our home.  He is his Heavenly Father's child first and foremost, and I do pray that one day he will except God's gift of life and be reborn.

This is why I love my Samuel.  The name that makes me keep my priorities in check.

I have started reading Mary Beth Chapman's book, "Choosing to SEE" about losing her 5 year old baby girl.  I am only at the second chapter right now, but I have already cried.  My friend who loaned the book to me warned me that it would convict me about my attitude about surrendering my baby to the Lord as it did her. 

I am just a mom.  Lots of people are moms.  While of course it is a special job, it is certainly an ordinary one.  In short...I am a mom, I am not God. 

While I wish and desperately hope and pray for a long healthy life for my son and future children, I need to walk through life with open hands, knowing that the Lord's will for their lives may not always be my own.  I am not at that place yet. I pray I will be at that place.  God is GOOD and so is His plan...ALL THE TIME!