New Fitness Goals

So, I have set a new goal for myself in the fitness category.  I am going to start Jillian Michael's "30 Day Shred" this evening...and hopefully do it for an entire 30 days :) Nick and I did it before, right after we got married - it's intense!  I don't work so well with "negative" encouragement as Jillian tends to use, so we often put the video on mute and did the moves along with her and I'll probably do the same thing again.

My goal is not to get to a certain number on the scale...in fact, I don't even plan on weighing myself.  I do hope to feel better about myself when I get dressed and to feel healthier and in better shape.  I'm excited!

Also, on a random note, if you have been reading my blog for a while you may notice that I added google adsense.  I hope the ads don't bother you and nothing inappropriate shows up!

A Perfect Rainy Saturday!

My very favorite thing about our new house is our huge screened-in porch.  It's fantastic.  This morning, it finally rained!  If you know me or have been reading this blog for a while, you know that I love rain.  The weather was perfect...very stormy, with the water coming down in sheets.  It was the perfect time to curl up in the hammock with a blanket.  Hmmm....bliss!

Nick also loved the hammock :)

Adrian love love loves his daddy!

My roses love the rain. 

Relaxed.

We have really enjoyed our restful day today.  I hope you all are having a great weekend as well!

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest"  (Matthew 11:28).

I'm Happy-Sad

Well, today ends a very special period in my life as a mama.  I've decided to stop nursing.  Ever since day one of my little baby's time here with me, feeding him has NOT gone has planned.  But that's okay, because I've had a lot of help and have (until now) been able to get around the little ups and downs of the situation.  I'm so blessed to have such awesome encouragement!

After two weeks of horrible nursing (which I learned from), I decided to exclusively pump...which went quite beautifully for quite a while as I had a very healthy supply where I was able to stay ahead of Adrian's needs.  Despite my disappointment over being unable to feed him as planned, I embraced the bottle, and thankfully, so did he.  Then, we decided to move, and the stress made my supply drop, so I supplemented for a day.  Then, more stress, and my supply dropped dramatically.  So now, I've been supplementing for three weeks and am barely getting two ounces when I pump (which is about every hour and a half now).  I've been very sad that I haven't been able to meet the needs of his belly as I should.

So, I'm moving on.  After Nick's constant, "so why are we still doing this" questions, and advice from my mom, I'm switching completely to formula.  It's a happy sad moment for me...happy, because I will be able to find relief from this little struggle in my life, and sad, because I really really really wanted to nurse. 

Hopefully, baby #2 will be a pro at nursing and the feeding struggle with Adrian will be in the past, but for now, this will have to do!

Our Funny Friday

Today I decided to do a photo journal of mine and Adrian's day.  He's such a fun little buddy :)

Upon waking, he played silly games with his Daddy.

Then gave sweet goodbye hugs.

Obviously we did the clean diaper dance...Adrian is a very clean baby.

We practiced sitting up like a big boy - which he is becoming quite a pro at :)

Of course, the thought of breakfast makes him very excited.

Breakfast takes an hour and a half because

of all the dancing we do and conversations we have.

Breakfast left him pleased and cuddly.

Then we had second breakfast...

Followed by spit up which he helped clean up :)

We took a baby nap - notice his feather-like eyelashes.

Had to kick Mollie out of the bassinet all morning...

but her kitty smile makes me laugh.

He loves his mobile.

The Kitties helped me clean.

When Nick came home, he and Adrian had sweet daddy-son time.

Finished decorating this for today...it's very fun and unorganized :)

Hope you all have a great weekend!

I love this little guy.

My May 17th Memories

May 17th, 1999 is the first page of the first chapter in the book of my life, a name I often give my testimony.  This is the day that my dad woke up in Heaven (and yes, I have full confidence that He is with the Lord today), and I embraced the Lord as my Father - the Father to the Fatherless.  I have never written about it, and probably haven't shared most of these memories with most of you, but since I have this fabulous blog for which to share such things, I hope my written account of the most life-defining day of my life will encourage you.

I remember the night before on May 16th, we had gone to church and my dad was particularly -obviously- upset as he lead worship.  While he was usually characteristically charismatic and enthusiastic as he sang, I remember his eyes were dead, and his face held the same blank expression the entire service.  I remember feeling so concerned.

A week before, at a "Dads and Daughters" event, I was in the classroom with other kids after the service.  A baby bird fell from her nest and was caught under a bush outside the window (we were in an underground room, and so the window was high up looking out onto the ground outside).  I loved animals, and hoisted my small frame out the window to rescue the quivering blue bird.  When my dad came to pick me up from the classroom at the end of the night, I cupped the little bird against my chest and begged him to let me keep it.  My dad and I shared a special bond over our love for animals, and I had had several wild "pets" in previous years, including a dying chipmunk, a bird with a broken wing, and a baby snake.  I fully expected him to let me take this new favorite of mine home in a box and nurse it to full robust health.  But, he didn't even look at me when I asked.  I didn't understand the same blank expression on his face I would see again a week later in the church service.  His voice was heavy and deep when he brushed me off and told me that of course I couldn't keep it, almost biting out each word.  I was so hurt, and I cried as I let the little bird free.

Now, after the church service a week after the blue bird incident, I remember coming home and noticing through the window my mom on the back porch by herself, even before I had time to come into the house myself.  She hugged herself and I watched her rock back and forth, wracked with heaving sobs.  I was terrified - I had never ever seen my mom lose control in this way.  I remember my siblings and I kept our voices at a whisper as we got ready for bed that night.  My sister and I shared a room at that time, and I remember discussing with her what could be wrong.  We slipped into our beds, and I felt so confused when my mom came to say goodnight.  She had a huge smile plastered on her face and her voice was strangely sing-songy as she told us that of course everything was fine.  I felt that things were positively not fine.

The next day, I woke up and the morning was like any other morning at our house.  My sister and I were playing with our American Girl dolls, and I had my doll horse perched on the table in our room.  I was brushing out the maine and tail.  I heard my dad run down the stairs.  His steps were heavy and fast on the hardwood steps above me, and I knew he was late for work.  "Goodbye, I love you!" he yelled, as the door slammed behind him.  Through the window next to the door, I saw him running down the sidewalk towards his truck as I yelled that I loved him too, while still brushing my horse.  How many times have I wished that I would have run out the door after him!

Our day was not normal.  My mom seemed very fragile - too collected, her voice too even.  She played with us outside, which was not something we did very often.  Usually my dad was outside and my mom was inside.  Afterwards, we went to Chickfila and all of us ended our meal with ice cream - a very rare and very special treat!  As we arrived home that night, I noticed that my dad's truck was not in the driveway.  I didn't think a thing of it though.  I took a bath, and combed my newly cut (very short) hair.  I put on an all white nightgown that reminded me of Audrey Hepburn in My Fair Lady when she sang, "I could have danced all night".  I remember vividly feeling quite pretty, and I floated up the stairs to help my siblings with their bath. 

I was half-way up the stairs when I saw the policeman at the door.  My mom was again hugging herself, wide-eyed, and nodding at the solemn man.  She closed the door behind her as she talked with him for what seemed like forever.  My sister and I helped bathe the little ones, all of us in an especially good mood after our very fun day full of play time and sugar.  After they were clean, we watched our Mom talking with the policeman.  "Something's fishy!" we squealed, giggling at the funny figure of speech.  After a while, some of our neighbor's arrived and stood around my mom and the cop, serious expressions clouding their faces.  We put a movie on downstairs to keep the little ones occupied. 

Eventually, after a very long time, my Mom came into the room trailed by what seemed like everyone we knew.  I was immediately scared, and I felt my breath catch in my throat.  She sat on the couch, arms close by her side, clenching her hands together so her knuckles were white.  Her eyes were wide again. 

"Kids, you have a new Father"

I remember a million thoughts rushing through my ten-year-old brain.  The first being that my parents were getting a divorce.  The second thought was that my dad had been in a car accident.  I could even see the white truck hit the guard rail on the highway in my head.

She continued to explain how we had a new Father because God was our father.  I don't remember word for word what she said, but I remember not understanding that he was dead until much later on in the night.  I think she explained that he committed suicide, but I don't think I knew much about what that was, or could even comprehend it at that point.  Kayla started sobbing, screaming, loudly.  I was suddenly sandwiched between two men, one I remember as Mr. Reggie, the other I can't remember.  They held me upright as I was filled with an emotion I had never felt before: Enormous grief, devastation, and loss. 

"Even as I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for You are with me"

The room was filled with heaving, groaning sobs.  I remember looking over on the couch and seeing my brother Brandon staring blankly into space.  I remember the room was filled with people.  Filled.  I was shaking, but the two men embraced me so tightly. 

Later, as the immediate shock of the news wore off, I went to get water for the guests.  As I filled up the paper cups in the bathroom with water, I looked intensely into the mirror at my reflection.  I took a deep breath and felt my body tense.  I felt the weight of needing to be strong for my family. "Okay, God" I said audibly to my reflection, "You're my father now".  The cup grew soggy in my hand as I let the feeling sink in.  I didn't feel alone.  I felt peace.  It was then that I knew the Lord was holding my heart tightly in His arms and I truly felt that He knew what I was feeling.  I didn't cry anymore.

"Even as the deer longs for flowing streams, so my soul longs for You, Oh Lord"

The Gap Years

My family is about a week away from acknowledging 12 years since my dad died.  I cannot believe it's been this long!  Since so many BIG things have happened in my life in the past two years (ex. marriage, moving, baby...) I cannot help but find myself thinking about the "what ifs" about my dad. 

Today, I was thinking about Adrian, as I do often, and how our family dynamic will be.  I often wonder what kind of a relationship I would have had with my dad in this stage of my life.  I think of my relationship with my mom and how it has changed sooo much from "childhood mom" to "teenage mom" now to "adult mom"...such drastic changes.  I can only remember a few memories with my dad, and they will forever be stuck with "Abi the child".  Thankfully, I have lots of good memories with him, but I can't help but regret that I will not be making any more new ones with me as I embrace adulthood.  I wish "Abi the adult" knew "Bobby the Grandpa".

He has missed SO much.  I think about those years between then and now.  Let's call them the "gap years".  This is the time between age 11 and age 23.  In that time, he missed my puberty (how convenient) and my salvation at age 11, my first real crush at 14, my first real life crisis at 15, drivers license and new freedom at 16, first boyfriend at 17, leaving home for college at 18, meeting Nick at 19, getting engaged at 20, Marriage at 21, and new baby at 22.  It's funny to me how I can put all that drama - all the ups and downs of that part of my life into one sentence!  Honestly, the time period between ages 14-17 is extremely depressing and dark when I think back on it...but God has used it so much.  Yes, I am SO thankful that my heavenly father carried me through that dark time.  BUT, I cannot ignore the fact that my earthly dad missed out on it!  I wonder if it would have been any different.

I feel blessed that my life has turned out as it has.  I feel blessed that my family had so much godly support and that my mom was one who made her children her priority and did not allow us to delve into statistics.  I realize even more fully now what a blessing that was.  I know that my family and I are a rarity for sure.  I do feel, however, that I haven't allowed myself to be honest with myself in accepting that although, yes - God IS FATHER and my life is complete in Him and how He has provided for my family and I....growing up fatherless is not natural. And now, as I see the beautiful relationship, even in it's early stages, between Adrian and his precious father, I realize how much he (Bobby Apon) and I missed.  The Lord truly is enough...but the human, the "flesh" part of me just misses her daddy and wishes he could be here for these new joys in my life..

I have been obnoxious in how much I've called/texted my mom throughout my pregnancy and through the last two months as a new parent.  She's been a great help and her perspective as an "experienced-been-there-done-that" parent has been irreplaceable.  I do wish though, that I could do the same thing with my dad and get his opinion and perspective as well, plus I wish I could see how much he loved Adrian!

Anyways, this is probably information about my heart that none of you reading this expected to know, but I feel it is good to be vulnerable at certain times in your life.  We wear too many masks in this life - answer "I'm fine" too many times when we're not as strong as we want people to believe we are.  Now, honestly, I really am fine :)...but this time of the year always gets me thinking. 

I think I've written quite enough about this subject.  I'm excited that I get to celebrate Nick on Father's Day for the first time in 12 years - and what a great dad he is already!  The Lord is good and I praise Him for His goodness in our lives.

Going Home

We are headed to Lynchburg this weekend for Andrea and Kayla's graduation - yay!  I am currently typing this while we're driving, happy that Nick's snazzy work computer connects to the internet on the highway.  Adrian is such a good little traveler - I'm looking forward to showing him off to some of our LU friends!

Every time I go back to Lynchburg, I get a very strong feeling that I am back "home".  I don't really know why this is....I feel it even stronger than when I go back to Georgia.  I think it's probably because the Lord did the most in my heart while I was in school, and I met the most important people in my life there.  I experienced the most intense love while I was there, as well as some of the saddest times of my life...and I still have such a passionate sense of belonging.  I don't really want to live there again, but I always psychoanalyze myself every time we go back.

A few days ago my brother-in-law posted a status on facebook that ended with the phrase, "longing for home", speaking of Heaven.  I always love when people speak of Christ's return and eternity with Him in heaven in this gentle, familiar way.  My relationship with Christ is simple...I have never naturally grasped the "educational" side of my walk with the Lord, but the "relational" side has always been very easy.  I do long for Home. 
At my dad's funeral, a friend sang a song that included the lyric, "waking up in heaven and finding it home".  Every time a Christian dies, I think of that phrase.  They're home!  We as Christians should feel a sense of longing for our eternal home...we should not be satisfied here. 

In conclusion, I'm looking forward to a great quickie weekend in Lynchburg, and hope to reconnect with friends I haven't seen in a while.  I'm so proud of my sisters!

The Mommy Haircut

I have always been pretty experimental with my hairstyle.  I've had it very short, very long, black, brown, red, blond, multi-colored, etc.  I'm lucky to have hair that grows pretty fast, and blessed to have the same person cut my hair my entire life....until recently.  Almost two years ago, I saw the movie "My Sister's Keeper" about a girl with cancer, and I felt convicted to donate my hair.  Once I felt convicted, I couldn't go back on it, so I chopped off my hair.  Literally. The girl at the salon just pulled it back in a ponytail and chopped it off and sent me out the door.  Needless to say, it was a major blow to my self esteem because I felt awful! I was glad I donated it, but hated the haircut.
Now, I have been planning on perming my hair so that it would be easy to do...just put gel in it and I'm done.  But now I'm realizing that I won't ever have a celebrity stylist and will still be busy with sweet Adrian, and I know my hair will end up in a messy ponytail, despite my attempt at effortless curls.  SO.  I'm going back to doing my hair in a style that has worked with me before.  Slightly below my shoulders with angles and layers....like this:

Now when I show this picture to Nick, he does what he usually does in these situations.  If I ever show him a picture of a pretty girl to show off a dress, shirt, hairstyle, etc. that I like, he usually goes over the top putting her down.  It's very cute.  For example, when I showed him the above picture, he said, "wow I like it, you will look great blond! But ugh she is sooo ugly!".  Now, obviously, Jessica Simpson is anything but ugly (same for Angelina Jolie or any other girl who's hairstyle I've admired)...but it's cute of him to try to make me feel better.  And I am not going blond.  He just thought I was showing him the entire hairstyle, not just the cut.  Anyways, I love my hubby.
So, I'm hoping my mommy haircut will give me the emotional and physical "boost" I want and still be easy.  It's important to still feel cute! I feel the need to make the effort now into how I take care of myself so I don't get into a rut as he gets older. I'm excited!

My Mother's Day

I now know why people 150 years ago stayed in the exact same place for hundreds of years.  Moving is insane.  Whoever invented the thought of it is crazy, I tell you, crazy!  Every day the past few weeks we have been packing, painting, moving, shifting, selling, buying, and transforming a new house into our new home for (at least) the next year.  I like it, I just don't like this part.  Seriously, how do two people have so much stuff! And this little person comes with a lot of stuff too :) *sigh*...but he's so cute.

I bought curtains for the living room.  I am pleased with Better Homes and Gardens for selling curtains that come with two panels and an attached valance for an affordable $10.  Good job, BHG.  I am slowly trying to sift through boxes and bags thrown around the house in an attempt to be more organized than I was at the last place.  I have no excuse, really.  There's twice the space.  I'll post pictures when everything is all beautified.

Mother's day was pretty good.  "Pretty" meaning some great parts and some awful parts.  I shall share them with you as I'm sure you "experienced" mamas have had mother's days that are the same!  I didn't get sleep the night before, which is not Adrian's fault....I am getting over a cold and couldn't make my body go to sleep.  I woke up tired, and taking care of the little man took longer than usual, so I missed the long-looked-forward-to mother's day service at church.  BUT, Nick left me beautiful roses and a card, and a gift card to buy fancy new things for the house.  YAY!  We spent the afternoon with friends (another high point), but then my beloved (and dumb) cat knocked ALLLLLLL of my makeup into the toilet.  *cue sobs*. Therefore, my mother's day present to myself will be new makeup.  I need a face, ya'll.

Now I'm off to finish getting the last of our stuff from the old house, and head off to my pp doctor's appointment.  And life continues.

Happy Mother's Day :)

Guess what! It's my first mother's day.  I am extremely excited about this.  I feel kind of like I did last year on our one year wedding Anniversary.  I kept thinking, "I get to celebrate our anniversary because I am a wife!".  Just like last year, mother's day is a really big "first" - and I get to celebrate it because I am a mom.  Obviously, I've only been a mom for 7 weeks....well, technically 11 months since a woman has to alter her life to protect her child as soon as she finds out she's expecting....so I don't really deserve the day, but I'm excited nontheless.  So... YAY HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY! *glows*


I am also thankful for my Mom! I have a good one who has been a lifesaver this year through my pregnancy and these first weeks with little baby Adrian.  I'm very thankful for all her advice, and yet she still makes me feel like I'm smart enough to make the decisions that are best for my child.  I appreciate that.  I am also thankful for my mother-in-law and how generous she is with us.  She even stayed up late with the baby so Nick and I could get some sleep when she came to visit.  I am blessed to have two loving mamas!


And to all you Mothers who are reading this, Happy Mother's Day to you too :) I hope you have a beautiful day!

Life Lately

Well, blogging was my source of sanity while I was anxiously awaiting Adrian's arrival (nice use of alliteration, huh?), but since he's been here I haven't had as much time as I imagined I'd have to devote to it.  I do want to update a little bit though as he is now almost 7 weeks old and getting so big!

We're starting to get into more of a routine, and Adrian seems to finally have his days and nights in order.  The first 4 weeks were rough, but thankfully they now seems like a blur.  Nick and I have figured out a rotation that works for us where we're both getting an acceptable amount of sleep to be able to function appropriately the next day.  We are IN LOVE with this little baby.  Our evenings consist of oooing and awwwing over him.  He is holding his head up, holding our gaze, and starting to make little sweet cooing sounds.  He smiles and laughs on his own, which is the most amazing sound in the world.

In short, all the sleepless nights are 100% worth it!

He is gaining weight really well and I'm anxious to see how much he weighs at his two month check up on the 18th.  He has a cardiologist appointment this Friday because the pediatrician found a heart murmur.  She is not concerned, but I'll be relieved to find out about it this weekend. Hopefully it's nothing serious!

In other news (for the sake of journaling and not as much blogging), two big historical things happened this week.  I experienced my first royal wedding (yay...very interesting).  I grew up knowing a little about Princess Diana since my mom was very interested in her and owned a lot of books about her, I was excited to be able to experience my own Royal Wedding.  I learned a lot and was glad I was able to watch it live, and I enjoyed shamelessly getting caught up in the wedding excitement.  I learned a lot about the monarchy and the Royal family, and it's history.  One thought I had is that it's interesting how the world became so quickly so obsessed with William and Catherine - could it be that we have an inate desire for a hero - someone to rescue us from our commonality and make us "royalty"?  Could it be that our obsession with this wedding of strangers in a country that isn't even ours is an identification with our created longing for service to the perfect King in His eternal Kingdom?  I think so :)

Secondly, our nation's Navy SEALS killed Osama Bin Laden.  Now, since this blog is my soap box (smile), I want to give my thoughts - NO I am not in any way (and never would be) excited, happy, relieved, etc. that a soul is eternally in hell.  I ALWAYS rejoice when I see another person accept God's gift of eternal life, no matter what their background or history.  Honestly, I have been kind of shocked at how some of my Christian friend's on facebook have made comments about how we shouldn't rejoice when someone goes to hell.  I don't think that's what the majority of us are doing (at least I *hope* not!!!).  Let us not forget that 3,000 innocent lives were lost on 9/11 in an attack lead by this man, as well as countless lives of miltary personell who have joined the service and fought because of or inspite of 9/11.  I think most of us are relieved that he has been found - this is just how I feel.  I'm not going to use any verses to back up my opinion as I feel I could take pretty much any verse out of context to back up my opinion, as I've seen a lot already, but I do know that God ALWAYS uses tragedy for our good and His glory, and I trust that He is big enough to use even this in the same way.  End of soap box.

Now that I've updated, there are a few exciting events coming up that I'll be looking forward to blogging about:  Our move to a better place this weekend, my FIRST mother's day, Adrian's doctor's appointments, my sister(s)' graduation, and the first time I get to celebrate father's day in 12 years.  God is so good and there is so much joy in life right now!