The Gap Years

My family is about a week away from acknowledging 12 years since my dad died.  I cannot believe it's been this long!  Since so many BIG things have happened in my life in the past two years (ex. marriage, moving, baby...) I cannot help but find myself thinking about the "what ifs" about my dad. 

Today, I was thinking about Adrian, as I do often, and how our family dynamic will be.  I often wonder what kind of a relationship I would have had with my dad in this stage of my life.  I think of my relationship with my mom and how it has changed sooo much from "childhood mom" to "teenage mom" now to "adult mom"...such drastic changes.  I can only remember a few memories with my dad, and they will forever be stuck with "Abi the child".  Thankfully, I have lots of good memories with him, but I can't help but regret that I will not be making any more new ones with me as I embrace adulthood.  I wish "Abi the adult" knew "Bobby the Grandpa".

He has missed SO much.  I think about those years between then and now.  Let's call them the "gap years".  This is the time between age 11 and age 23.  In that time, he missed my puberty (how convenient) and my salvation at age 11, my first real crush at 14, my first real life crisis at 15, drivers license and new freedom at 16, first boyfriend at 17, leaving home for college at 18, meeting Nick at 19, getting engaged at 20, Marriage at 21, and new baby at 22.  It's funny to me how I can put all that drama - all the ups and downs of that part of my life into one sentence!  Honestly, the time period between ages 14-17 is extremely depressing and dark when I think back on it...but God has used it so much.  Yes, I am SO thankful that my heavenly father carried me through that dark time.  BUT, I cannot ignore the fact that my earthly dad missed out on it!  I wonder if it would have been any different.

I feel blessed that my life has turned out as it has.  I feel blessed that my family had so much godly support and that my mom was one who made her children her priority and did not allow us to delve into statistics.  I realize even more fully now what a blessing that was.  I know that my family and I are a rarity for sure.  I do feel, however, that I haven't allowed myself to be honest with myself in accepting that although, yes - God IS FATHER and my life is complete in Him and how He has provided for my family and I....growing up fatherless is not natural. And now, as I see the beautiful relationship, even in it's early stages, between Adrian and his precious father, I realize how much he (Bobby Apon) and I missed.  The Lord truly is enough...but the human, the "flesh" part of me just misses her daddy and wishes he could be here for these new joys in my life..

I have been obnoxious in how much I've called/texted my mom throughout my pregnancy and through the last two months as a new parent.  She's been a great help and her perspective as an "experienced-been-there-done-that" parent has been irreplaceable.  I do wish though, that I could do the same thing with my dad and get his opinion and perspective as well, plus I wish I could see how much he loved Adrian!

Anyways, this is probably information about my heart that none of you reading this expected to know, but I feel it is good to be vulnerable at certain times in your life.  We wear too many masks in this life - answer "I'm fine" too many times when we're not as strong as we want people to believe we are.  Now, honestly, I really am fine :)...but this time of the year always gets me thinking. 

I think I've written quite enough about this subject.  I'm excited that I get to celebrate Nick on Father's Day for the first time in 12 years - and what a great dad he is already!  The Lord is good and I praise Him for His goodness in our lives.